Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
