Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
