My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Randomize
