Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
