What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
