The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
