I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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