I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
