Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
