I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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