I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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