I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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