May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
