What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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