And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
