So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
