He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
