i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
