Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
