I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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