Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
