I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
