Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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