So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
