Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We have started to decorate penises.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
