I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
