I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
