My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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