Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
