This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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