You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
