Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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