I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
