the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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