you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
