just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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