So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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