im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
