god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
