Umm I'm too high to move.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
