remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
