He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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