I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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