I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
