I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
