where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
