hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
