Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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