still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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