his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
