watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
