its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
