well I can't set my house on fire every night
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
