In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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