That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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