my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Pappa wants mamma naked
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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